Separation

 Yesterday was our 21st wedding anniversary. Some years we celebrate by going out to dinner or making grand gestures, while other years we quietly wish each other a Happy Anniversary over whatever dinner I'm making that night. This year's celebration was laid back and relatively non-eventful.  After the year we have endured, quiet and calm was right up my alley!

Scott is halfway through his cardiac rehab program and I think we are beginning to settle into our new lifestyle. It has been quite an adjustment for everybody! I think that doctors and the entire medical establishment fails to acknowledge the impact of a cardiac event on the entire family unit. Of course, our medical system is not set up to care about people as individuals, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. 

Today Scott is going to venture to rehab by himself, which is a big step for both of us. He has been well enough to drive home after the sessions for several weeks, and my being there has become a crutch. If we are going to resume an somewhat normal lifestyle, we will need to separate at some point.  We are both a bit anxious but we realize it is time. 

Wish us luck!

 

Back Home

 This past week has been hot and exhausting. Scott's aunt was hospitalized and it seemed like a good opportunity for a visit with his mom. Scott hasn't been home since his heart attack and I know he has been struggling with feeling homesick. I've learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, you always want your mom when you don't feel well.  I was worried that the trip was going to be too much for him but the emotional needs overruled my concerns.

We borrowed my Mom's car which has fantastic air conditioning and more room. We split the drive and took frequent rests. Despite our efforts, Scott was not feeling well when we arrived in Ohio. The heat in the house certainly did not help. Although we had a small air conditioner delivered to Ohio, the house itself was often overwhelming with heat. When the living room heats up to 101, there is little that can be done to cool it down quickly and comfortably.

Our visit was quicker than normal because of the heat and Scott's cardio rehab appointments. Because of my health concerns for Scott the visit was more stressful than normal. But seeing Scott so relaxed with his mom made it all worth while.

That being said, I'm very happy to be home where every since room is habitable and cool.

 

Swimming

 This summer has been difficult, however watching Robby assume some of the 'entertainment' load for Timmy has been wonderful. Timmy loves doing anything that includes his big brother and Robby has been more than eager to lap up the adoration.  Last week the boys went to our little local water park twice. Seeing their sun-kissed cheeks walking through the door made my heart smile.

 The age difference between the boys has made entertaining both of them difficult. Breaking up summer boredom has become even more complicated by the hot temperatures and seemingly constant storms. I'm glad that we were able to break up the week and take full advantage of the non-rain hours.  When the boys aren't swimming together they are usually playing video games. Timmy has been working hard and practicing so that he can play with his brother during online games. The screams of attack plans and hoots of joy radiate through the house when they are playing.

Today is an off day for Scott's cardiac rehab.  He has officially reached the halfway point in the program. Hopefully soon everything won't feel as different and hard.  

Over analyzing

 Last week I struggled emotionally.  I found myself stuck in my own spiraling thoughts as I attempted to weave through nearly 2 decades of friendship to determine if it was built upon truth or manipulation. I tried to stop overthinking but I just got caught in the cycle of remembering, analyzing, and wondering.  Has this ever happened to you?

It is terribly painful to realize that a friendship that you have valued may not be perceived with the same esteem by your friend.  Overvaluing a friendship is one thing. But feeling like it may have been ultimately all a manipulation is something else entirely.  Let me tell you, this one really hurts.

On Saturday, overwhelmed by all of the feelings and emotions in my head, I did what I knew would help to recenter me. I went to visit my Mom. No matter how old I get, her hugs and her presence always recenter me.  It was a quick getaway, just one night because Scott has to resume cardio rehab this morning, but it was enough for me to feel normal, or at least as normal as possible again.  

Here's to a better week for everybody!

 

Veggie Slicer

The past few months have had a strong heart and health focus. Between managing medication and cardiac rehabilitation, this has definitely been the summer of focusing on Scott's health and needs. I have had to reform the way in which I cook, trying to focus on heart healthy foods while still making the kids happy. Needless to say, it has been a difficult balance.  

Many days I feel like a short order cook. The kids have been relatively low maintenance this summer and have not complained, but I still feel guilty about being tethered home instead of pursuing adventures. Because of my guilt, I'm compensating in the kitchen. We've developed a habit of my cooking separate meals for everybody in an attempt to make them happy. Unfortunately, it is running me ragged in the process.

In an attempt to simplify the seemingly endless cutting and chopping of veggies, we purchased a food slicer.  Excited to try it out, I called the kids into the kitchen to show them my new 'toy' and to talk to them about the need to ALWAYS use the food guard when slicing. Demonstrating with a tomato, I began to tell them how you should never slice a food without the guard because...

OUCH! Yep. I cut the tip of my thumb off while showing the kids.  The bleeding was significant and the bandage required for my thumb kept me from typing for nearly a week.  Hence the lack of blogs.

Needless to say, I don't think anybody will be using the new veggie slicer again anytime soon. 

Timmy's Great Adventure

 I know I promised to write today about my cousin Bobby. Although as I sat down to write this morning I find my eyes flooded with tears. Alas. I think I need to wait to share until my heart is a little less tender.  Instead, today I will share how Timmy spent his 4th of July. While ours was deliberately non-eventful, Timmy managed to cram in enough adventures for all of us.

On Wednesday, when I was feeling ill from the throws of Covid, grief, fear, exhaustion and anxiety, I broke down crying to my Mom. Timmy was bored and there wasn't anything I could do. Everybody else was having wonderful holiday adventures and we were stuck inside because I was too sick to do anything fun with him. I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I was failing as a Mom.

About an hour after venting I received a call. My Mom and my sister got together and came up with a plan. My Mom, who had arranged to go to a hotel on the 4th in anticipation of the Memorial Service, cancelled her room and started to set up "Camp Nana."  My sister drove down after work and picked up Timmy for his grand adventure.  I went back to bed, feeling grateful that I have such a wonderful family but still guilty about needing help.

I woke up on the 4th to a video from my Mom. Sheri and Timmy stopped for fireworks on the way home. At the end of her small street she let him hold long sparklers out of the top of the jeep while screaming "Happy Fourth of July." He was delighted, and I knew all was well. 

Early on the 4th my sister and Timmy woke up to a hearty breakfast before hiking the Appalachian Trail. Timmy adores hiking with Sheri and takes the opportunity to talk nonstop. Exhausted but proud, he was delighted to reach their summit for the day.  In the afternoon they went to a food truck rally because hiking the Appalachian Trail works up quite an appetite. They spent the evening at a neighborhood party, playing in the pool and eating a lot of popcicles.

As if the day were not fun enough, at night my nephew arrived (along with his friend) with a truckload of fireworks. Jared had originally planned to shoot off the fireworks at a later time but adjusted his plans because of Timmy. I really appreciate him doing that, and Timmy had a blast.

I may not have provided Timmy with a good holiday, but my family certainly did!

 

Covid for me

 Sigh.

Thank you for sticking with me.  Despite my best intentions, life continues to throw roadblocks into my plan of daily blogging.  Last Wednesday morning I woke up early- extremely ill.  I will spare you the details.  I have not been that ill in years.

Unable to get out of bed without intense vertigo and vomiting, I was miserable. Watching TV made me queasy. Reading and writing was not even on my radar. Thankfully, like Scott's experience with Covid, it was relatively short lived.  After two days of misery, I was out of bed. Fatigued and sore, but functional.

Thursday I remembered my Ampuversary, but I was too sick to care. The math confused me as I attempted to calculate my post-amputation year so I quickly gave up. I'll celebrate next year. 

I spent the 4th of July sleeping and resting. We did not celebrate the holiday this year. Honestly, there just doesn't feel like a lot to celebrate in our country right now. I don't think we deserved a parade and fireworks this year after passing such a detrimental bill targeted towards the disability community.  My heart breaks for the devastation that I fear is ahead.

On Saturday I was well enough to attend my cousin's memorial. I think I will pause this blog here.  He deserves his own post tomorrow.